When the burn in your chest rages, like a fire that you can’t control. Know that you hold the power to crumple a universe. Beware that the universe is not yourself. The burning embers of your heart will fade like the death of a star, nought is left inside but billowing ash. You will emerge back, gasping for oxygen. Ready to burn again. Grasping again for another flame to ignite your soul. This time more prepared for the collapse, but no matter how hard you try, nothing will prepare you for what will come. Over and Over you return to this smoldering ash. No one can save you but yourself, ignite your own soul.anonymous submission
Rain flicked against the window creating a continuous thrum, as the bus rolled through the city. Here he sat, the fogged glass cold against his forehead as he lay staring into the gray world outside. He hated the damp but, it proved to be relaxing in the sweltering heat of the bus’ interior. The soft squeal of the breaks hissed as the next stop approached. From the front of the bus, a quiet squelch of wet rubber announced the addition of some new passengers. Few seats remained within the densely packed bus. He was surprised, as a beautiful young woman slid into his neighboring seat. He glanced at the woman and she was astounding. Her eyes shone like two pools of amber in the dimly lit bus, their glow like witch-light drawing in his gaze. His eyes traced the soft roundness of her porcelain face. Her two lips like red half moons in a perpetual frown drooped like petals heavy with morning dew. Her beauty was exquisite but paled in comparison to the intoxication that was her voice.
“Sorry to bump you, all the others were taken”. As she spoke a current of heat ran through his body setting him on edge. He met her eyes and spoke, his voice catching in his throat.
“Not a problem, nice to see you.”
“It’s quite a dreary day isn’t it.”
“ it is, but I’ve always loved the mist, Reminds me of good books and warm evenings.”
She eyed him looking him up and down, a small smile creeping over her, its splendor like honeysuckle and sunshine.
“Your ring, are you married?” Her eyes darting to the aged wedding band he still wore.
“Yes, I still wear it, though she’s been gone for awhile.” His lips pursed, his eyes glazed as memories drifted through his mind.
“Are you married?” He asked looking at her hands.
“No, haven’t found the one.”
“Theres nothing like it. Once you find the person who fills every moment with wonder, anything else just seems… less. She was everything I ever wanted.” He stared down at the ring, his eyes stinging.
“ You deserve happiness though, everyone does. Have you tried dating since?”
“ When I said my heart was hers forever, I meant it. I loved her soul, she was the like the first bloom of spring and the boom of thunder as it rolls in the dark. She captured my hearts wonder and tore down every wall I ever built.”
She stared at him, a tinge of sorrow slipping into those honey pools.
“You never tried? Not once?”
“oh I did. I-I tried a lot, but in the end I couldn’t take it anymore.” His voice a whisper
“Why’s that.” She asked, a sudden sharpness to her tone.
“There is nothing worse than spending the night with them, and realizing that they could never be more than a pale imitation of what you truly want.”
“I’m-I’m sorry to hear that” her eyes fell to the seat in front of her. She studied the lines cut by riders over the years, tracing them with her finger. The bus once again came to a jerking stop, sending her crashing into his side. His breath caught in his throat. Her soft body pressed against him brought forth a flood of memories. Soft breathing in the early morning, smiles that shone like starlight, holding his wife till the morning light.
She paused for a moment pressed against him, his arm wrapped around her side keeping her from crashing into the aisle. She pushed further against him softly sinking further into his side. Her eyes slowly lifted meeting his, and the small embers within his heart roared to life. She turned, her shoulder pushing hard into his sternum with sudden, familiar coldness. He slid gently back away from her into the seat as he pulled back his arm.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to fall…”
“No, no it’s fine, I just… “ she gazed away, her face expressionless.
“She was-she was everything I ever hoped for, my everything. People talk about how love is fiery, passionate, complicated, but our love was simple. Loving her was nothing, like dandelion wishes, magic but simple. All the misery of the world, gone like smoke in the wind. I knew that no matter what happened, no matter how terrible things got, our love was there like a safe harbor in a maelstrom.”
“Sometimes things fall apart, some storms are too great to endure.”
“I understood why it ended. Always said I didn’t but I did. We lost ourselves. I blamed her because she wouldn’t let me help, so she ran and there he was waiting.”
“Maybe she couldn’t with you there. Maybe she needed to do it for herself.”
“ I will never understand how you can tell someone you love them, while in another’s bed.”
She paused looking out the rain streaked window, her breath slowing. She exhaled a deep heavy sigh and looked him in the eyes, their glow like god’s own mercy. He melted in their sight. His wounded, broken heart for a moment beating with ease once again. At this he felt every sinew of his form tighten, for years he had thought that this feeling had left his life forever. He looked at her, a smile creeping into his eyes, and for a moment so too did hers. Her hand rested on his, but then in an instant it pulled away. Those amber pools filled with ice that would rival that of the coldest winter’s howl. Where moments ago hints of that precious smile hung like lofty clouds, now only cold indifference remained.
“Sometimes one must find peace where they may. Experiences are the sweets of life and a life lived without ecstasy is one missed.”
The bus pulled to a stop this time a gentle roll and squeak of the break the only indication it had stopped. The rain came down heavier. It bounced upon the roof creating a thunderous roar. She sat beside him, tense, her muscles drawn up like wires of a piano.
“She was everything I ever wanted but in the end, there was nothing left of that sweet girl I had known. She was a frigid selfish thing, too wounded to love another. I was in love with the ghost of a woman and when I saw that, my heart broke forever.” He paused, staring into those caramel eyes, in them he saw nought but the glaze of one who has lost all but the basest of interest. All she had once been was gone, she was but the shadow of the woman moments before. As he rose she stood allowing him to exit the bus. Turning he spoke.
“For all the hurt she gave me, I wish I could take back all the hate I gave back. She was hurt, and scared, and I made it worse. I can’t say you didn’t deserve it, but I wish I had been better, because every night when I dream; I can’t see anything but the hurt that was in those deep brown eyes…” He paused, letting out a ragged breath.
“You know, I’ve really missed these evenings with you.”
“What is it that makes you love them so much, other than my incredible presence that is?”
“The smell of corn fields, and crisp evening air. The smell of leaves on the ground as they become an array of brown. It reminds me of young love and first kisses stolen under blankets… of late nights with friends now gone.”
In our lives, we will have many disappointments, and losses. There will be friends and girlfriends and lovers, some of whom will leave or be lost. However, in every life there are a few of these instances that are devastating. I mean these losses bring forth an abysmal chasm within you and just swallow up everything inside. You’ll spend days, weeks, months in this black void. While you’re lost, you are going to make some bad choices, you will work against your own self interest. Now I know from experiences, listening to advice is very different from following it, but I hope that maybe you won’t do all the completely idiotic things I did.
Don’t rush into to something you don’t actually want
All I knew was that I felt alone, and she could never be her-anonymous
For me, the loss I suffered was a break up. I know, I know that’s not near as bad as it could have been, but I’m a big believer in that emotional pain is not comparable. So following a situation like this you may try and find something to fill that emotional void left by their absence. If you find a healthy outlet like running, reading, singing, volunteering, you know any of that stuff, it probably will help you to begin moving on. However, I chose the less positive option and went with sex. 1. this is dangerous as you could catch something (especially if you are as reckless as I was). 2. this is also probably going to hurt you or whoever you’re sleeping with if they think its something more. finally, there is nothing worse that throwing yourself into something, and then realizing its not what you wanted.
Running isn’t moving on
You learned to run from what you feel, and that’s why you have nightmares.Megan Chance, The Spiritualist
There is a difference in running and creating boundaries. Setting a boundary would be deleting an ex’s social media to remove a reminder, or packing up a loved ones possessions. You don’t need to throw out things or cut their memory out. Remembering them, and learning from what happened allows us to heal. That being said, I ran hard af. I threw out all of the reminders of our time together, and even tried to move to South Korea. South… Korea… This was not the best plan, but I did get pretty far. It took my friends shaking some sense into me for me to learn that running is not healing. I’ve still left them removed, but I said my goodbye on my terms.
Don’t push people away
You have friends – or at least people who would like to be your friend. You pushed yourself away. If you’d get your head out of that brooding cloud of yours for once –Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
When the breakup first happened, I had many friends or at least people who were there to support me. Some left because they weren’t really friends, only there for the gratification of “helping”. Others left because the storm cloud that I became was too much to handle. Finally, there were a small few, the true friends, the ones who stuck by me through it all. These were the ones I pushed away. As the darkness continues to claw its way through you; you begin to feel you deserve the unhappiness. You will not only drive these people away because you want the loneliness, but also out of fear. One friend and I grew very close after the break up, but I pushed her away because I was afraid of my feelings. I no longer felt I deserved to love or to be loved. I took the poison that I was given and in turn used it to hurt those I loved. There is no worse feeling than hurting those close to you, and watching the love fade from their eyes.
Yours, and nobody else’s
That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.-John Green, The Fault in our Stars
There will be a lot of pain, anger, and self pity. You will lash out, at those you love. You will push people away, and you will hate them or God or maybe everyone. It is so easy to just keep that hate, to feel it every day. It is effortless to hate them for what they did or didn’t do. That maelstrom of emotion will do nothing but burn you up inside until all that remains is a sad, small person. It’s okay to feel that way for a time. It is. You have a right to feel your emotions. You should yell, and scream, and cry. However, as easy as it is, you can’t let it fester and you can’t give it to others. You must confront your emotions, and let them run their course. In the end, you must remember that the pain they gave you is yours to endure. when it comes burning through your veins, you cannot give it away. You must endure and remember who you are. You are not what they made you. In the end, the suffering is yours, and nobody else’s.
Take this advice at your own risk because we are a real emotional bunch
- Whiskey neat
If I have to go through a break up, I want the burn so it has to be just straight whiskey. Another reason, is that it’ll give me confidence. Now that confidence is important, that way I can either punch someone in the face or flirt with someone better than my ex.-Teagan
If I ever was dumped, I would drink whiskey neat. It’s bitter and it burns just like I would be feeling. Its also straight to the point which I wish that relationship could have been. Oh, and it would keep me warm at night since they won’t be anymore.-Unevenmango
2. Vodka, a lot of it.
If you can’t remember who they were, then you can’t remember to be sad about it. Kidding, kinda?-MT
I always drink vodka because I’m not a great drinker and it really hurts when I drink it. Then I can focus on that pain instead of the terrible, terrible emotional pain.-Kaity
Well I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years… that being said, I would definitely drink vodka. More specifically something like Everclear. Like I would have absolutely no idea what to do after losing such a strong bond.-Tyler
I drink tequila, but only in margaritas. Tequila really works well because I don’t want to forget about them, but I do want to have a good cry. Sometimes it’s nice to just get it out and embrace your emotions. Also, you can get some great food while you just have a meltdown.-MT
4. Creme Liquor
I always go with creme Liquor. I absolutely hate the taste to be honest, but I have a really big travel mug and you can mix it with coffee. You can walk around campus all day just avoiding those emotions. Although I do not advise doing this during finals, that was a poor choice.– Samesunsets
It’s okay to drink and not feel those emotions or in MT’s case embrace them, but eventually you have to move on. At some point you have to pick yourself up and start moving forward. It doesn’t have to be right now, but you will have to eventually. Also you can start drinking water and working out so you look hot af.– all editors… (excluding Samesunsets, he’s a sad boi)